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Story!
Well! I finished it! At long last!
My story for the Anyone Can Whistle Joey Challenge
It's Choey.
It's... odd.
And... The premise amuses me.
But at any rate, here we go!
The Second First Time
This is ridiculous,
What am I doing here?
I'm in the wrong story!
Joey woke up on Monday morning with the familiar feel of a warm body in his arms, back fit tightly against his chest, and the familiar sound of soft breath coming from that body. He smiled slowly, and, keeping his eyes closed, squeezed his arms comfortingly around said body and murmured, "Good morning, baby.."
"Mmm. Morning, Joey." It was a familiar voice, if not quite the familiar voice he was expecting.
Within a half a second, Joey's eyes flew open and he rolled backwards so quickly that he was actually rather stunned to find himself on the floor. "Chris? The fuck?"
Chris blinked rather curiously, sitting up in the bed, the white sheets not doing much to cover his rather obviously naked form. "Um.. yeah? I mean, I know I don't usually stay all night, but you insisted. No need to bug out, man.."
Dude, I don't remember drinking this much last night... Fuck, I don't remember drinking at all last night!
"What the hell? I mean, we didn't... we couldn't have.. did.. what.."
"Dude. Joe. Chill! Are you feeling all right?"
Joey shook his head slowly, running his fingers through his hair. "I could not possibly be further from all right." He paused. "And where the fuck are my clothes?"
Chris gestured to the floor where, indeed, both of their clothes were. Scattered all over the room. The look on his face was definitely one of concern. "Joey. Listen. Why don't you--"
"I'm going to go take a shower. Clear my head out, because I have got to be hallucinating or have a hangover or something and hopefully it'll be gone when I get out.. Um.. Get your ass dressed and we'll talk about this when I'm done." He climbed to his feet and made an immediate beeline for the bathroom. Holy fuck, this is surreal.
He was extra sure to turn the shower on cold, because... really. He closed his eyes and allowed the chilly water to cascade over him. Despite his best efforts not to think, his mind was absolutely racing. What the hell happened? I couldn't possibly have actually fucked Chris fucking Kirkpatrick. Or vice-versa. Or something. I don't know. Hell. I'm not even gay. For the love of God, I have a girlfriend. If what looks like it happened actually happened, how the fucking hell am I going to explain it to her? And I didn't drink last night. Did I? What the fuck is going on here?
His thoughts didn't much calm for the duration of his shower. Not that they could. However, try as he might, he couldn't delay the inevitable for much longer. He turned off the water and stepped out onto the cold linoleum, grabbing a towel to dry off as quickly as he could. He pulled on some clothes and headed out the door to his bedroom.
Chris wasn't there. None of his clothes were left or anything.
Thank God. Maybe I was hallucinating. The comfort he felt lasted all of about thirty seconds until he entered his kitchen and saw Chris sitting at
his table devouring a bowl of cereal. I'm fucking cursed, aren't I?
Chris looked up from the bowl of Cap'n Crunch. "Feeling any better?"
Joey closed his eyes. "No. Not really."
"Sit down, man. Share."
Slowly opening his eyes again, Joey almost blindly stumbled to a chair and plopped down. "Chris... What happened last night?" He was almost afraid to force the question out. Actually, it wasn't the question he was afraid of. It was the answer.
Chris looked faintly amused. "Same thing that happens most of the time. Y'know.. The horizontal polka? The bedroom tango? Wiiiiiild monkey sex?"
Joey felt almost physically ill. "Most of the time? What the hell are you talking about? What about Mary Sue?"
Chris blinked. "Who?"
~
Joey looked around and shook his head, sighing. Chris had called a group meeting, 'because I think my boyfriend has finally cracked'.
"I swear to God I have a girlfriend, guys!" Apparently saying so for the twelfth time was no more effective than the first.
Lance looked rather flatly at him, "And her name is M--"
"Mary Sue," Joey finished for him. Again. "Mary Sue Truelove."
"And we don't know her because...?"
"You do know her! You all know her! And you love her to death! I swear to God, the first time I introduced her to you, she practically had you guys eating out of her hand."
One of Lance's eyebrows arched upwards. "Okay, and we don't remember this because..."
"I have no fucking clue. Either it's because you guys are playing one bizarre fucked up practical joke on me, you've all lost your collective minds, or I have. Or this whole thing is a really really bad dream."
JC looked thoughtful. "Okay. Why don't you describe this Mary Sue girl to us?"
Joey smiled. That he could do. Rather easily. "She's... Man, she's perfect. Her hair is a pure raven black, and it flows in gentle waves down to the center of her back. Her smile is a perfect little pink rosebud.. Her eyes are a dark, clear, shade of cerulean blue.."
Chris cut him off. "Joe! Wait a sec. Who the fuck talks like that? Even about their quote-unquote 'perfect girlfriend', who doesn't actually exist, given that the guy in question has known for almost a year now that he's totally fucking gay."
Joey grabbed his head in his hands. "Then why the hell do I not remember any of this? You guys say that Chris and I have had this... thing... for, what, five months now?" He looked up to see the expressions on the guys' faces as confirmation of this statement. "But I don't remember a fucking thing about it. Last thing I knew, I was totally straight. And I had a girlfriend. And there was definitely no screwing of Chris involved."
Chris' face had fallen rather flat, but he made no comment. Justin was the one to speak next. "Okay, man... When did you meet this Mary Sue chick?"
Joey managed another smile. "It was at a concert. She was sitting in the front row, and I swear to God, the second I laid eyes on her.. she just had this glow. And as luck would have it, she happened to have backstage passes, and the second I met her, I mean, I just knew. I mean, the fact that she's only nineteen didn't make any difference..." He didn't even notice the incredulous looks the guys were giving
one another.
~
Before too long, the only progress that had been made was figuring that no practical jokes were involved in the whole fiasco. That, and all of the guys had successfully contracted headaches. They managed to agree on one thing. That a break was in order.
Justin had followed Chris to his house. To be consoling, or something. The whole supportive-best-friend schtick. He didn't exactly know how Chris would react to his boyfriend not even acknowledging that their relationship existed. And from original appearances, he had every right to worry.
The first thing that Chris did once he walked in the door was make a beeline to the living room and slump down on the sofa, head leaned back over the top of it. He closed his eyes and didn't move or speak. It lasted some time, despite Justin's occasional attempts to coax a reaction from him. He was completely unresponsive.
A good fifteen minutes later, just as Justin was considering calling 911 or a mental health center or something, Chris sat up abruptly. "I finally got it!" He was grinning. That was a good sign... right?
Justin looked over at him. "Got what?"
"What's up with Joe. And what I have to do about it."
Arching an eyebrow inquisitively, Justin replied, "And what would that be?"
"Well, first of all, I think Joey's got backlash."
"Backlash?"
"Yeah!" Chris seemed very proud of himself for this theory. "He feels guilty that he's gay. So he's, like.. subconsciously denying it, and stuff."
Justin blinked, rather confused. "But you've been going out for, like--"
"Yeah, I know! That's why it's a backlash! See, he wasn't feeling guilty before. Or he was, but it was, like, under the surface, and, y'know, even though his family's been great about it, who knows what Catholic guilt can do to a guy. Especially one who's been promoted as the straightest one of all of us since... Well, you know. A long fucking time."
The more Justin thought about that, the more it made a twisted sort of sense. "Okay... And the whole Mary Sue thing?"
Chris beamed. "He invented her. Subconsciously. You know.. That perfect girlfriend that nobody can ever have. Just to validate the fact that he's quote-unquote 'straight'. He really believes it, I think."
"Well... It makes sense."
"Yeah. And it's more plausible than my other idea."
"What's that?"
"That he was mystically transported from another dimension in which he is going out with that Mary Sue chick."
Justin laughed and nodded slowly. "All right... And what are you gonna do about it? Get him help, or what?"
"Nope." Chris shook his head. "I don't think he's that far gone that we have to get him committed, or anything. I just have to win him again."
Justin blinked. "Win him again?"
"Yeah! Woo him! Flowers and hearts and candy and shit." He paused. "Okay, maybe not flowers and hearts and candy, but.. y'know. Win him back. Be there. Show him that.. y'know, maybe I'm not perfect, but... first of all, I'm here for him, and second of all, he can have me. And then maybe he'll figure out that the whole gay thing isn't that bad after all."
"So you'll be like... getting him back again."
"Nope. I'll be getting him for the first time. As far as he's concerned. The second first time, I guess. Yeah."
Justin laughed. "Getting Joey Fatone for the second first time. I like it."
Chris smiled. "So do I, J. So do I."
~
Before he went to bed that night, Joey decided to try to find Mary Sue. He really did miss her, and it was driving him crazy that he couldn't talk to her. It had been practically forever since they'd gone a day without speaking. In fact, the last time had been that time when she was unconscious in the hospital because she'd pushed Joey out of the way of an oncoming truck. Joey'd felt incredibly guilty, and had blamed the entire incident on his idiocy in crossing the street at the obvious wrong time.
He hardly left her bedside during that harrowing week, but when she finally came to, she wasted no time in assuring him that it wasn't his fault. It was a truly touching scene that left no dry eyes among those that were watching.
Unfortunately, finding her was definitely easier said than done. Her home number was apparently being routed to a deli. When he called the store where she worked, they claimed that nobody by that name worked there. And when he looked in the phone book as a last ditch effort, the only Truelove listed in Orlando was someone by the name of Eddie. He even called that number. And no Mary Sue. She really had just vanished into thin air. When he finally tried e-mailing her, and the message
was sent back with an invalid address, that was it. He sighed morosely and went to bed, without even bothering to get undressed first. And it was a good three hours before he could actually fall asleep.
He didn't think he'd slept all that long, but it was actually well past noon when he woke up to the noise of the phone beside his bed ringing. Sighing and squinting, he rolled over and picked it up. "H'lo?"
"Joe?" It was Chris. "We need to talk."
Joey sighed. No. I think that's about the last thing I need. "Fine. What?"
"I want to apologize."
Blink. Blink. Huh? "Wha?"
"Listen, man.. I mean, y'know, regardless of this whole... thing.. I shouldn't be forcing you into a relationship that you obviously don't want. There's other fish in the sea, and crap.. And I don't want to ruin our friendship, cuz.. y'know, that's great."
Joey blinked. "Really?"
"Yeah. Man, I don't want you doing anything you're not gonna be totally comfortable with. So I'm cool with stepping back. It's all right."
Joey blinked. "So, then you're... breaking up with me?"
Chris laughed softly. "Well, yeah, if you want to call it that. But, you know, as far as you're concerned, it's not like there was anything to break up." He paused. "It's cool, man. Really."
"Uh, well.. Thanks, Chris. That's.. great." It was, too. Really. He didn't feel even the tiniest tinge of... what the hell was that? Disappointment? Nope. Not the least bit disappointed. That must have just been a gut reaction to the concept of being broken up with. He'd never really liked that. That had to have been it. Well, that and.. If we were as committed as he said we were.. why the hell isn't he at least trying to fight for me? He shook his head. Joe.. now you're just being stupid.
Chris chose that moment to speak up again. "So, you're okay?"
"Yeah," Joey commented. "I mean.. other than not having a clue what happened to my girlfriend.. yeah. I mean.. With you, sure."
"Cool," Chris's voice filtered in through the phone. "So... still no luck in finding Mary Sue?"
Joey shook his head, sighing. "Nothing. It's like she disappeared from the face of the planet and decided not to let me know."
"That kinda sucks."
"Yeah, it really does." He sighed again. "I miss her, Chris."
"I'm sure you do, man. You love like you mean it, y'know?"
Joey managed a faint chuckle. "Something like that, I'm sure."
"No. I'm serious. I dunno where the hell that 'player' category came from... Well.. I mean, yeah, I know you encouraged it, and whatever, but.. Dude, when you fall in love, you fall in love hard. You don't go halfway. At all. Never have."
"Well, yeah, I suppose," Joey said, thinking about it, "But.. I think that might partially be why I let the player image come about."
"What?"
"When you fall in love hard, it's easy to get hurt." He briefly bit his lower lip, wondering again where Mary Sue was. "So.. Sometimes it's easier not to fall in love, and just.. well, y'know."
"Yeah," Chris commented. "I'd imagine.."
Joey managed a slight chuckle. "Maybe I just need to relax."
"Wanna go out and have a drink or something?" Chris asked. "Just you and me. Be guys. Drink and swear and belch and fart. Y'know how it goes."
He managed to laugh despite himself. "I dunno, man... I still have to find her, y'know?"
Chris's tone was matter-of-fact. "Can you think of any way to look that you haven't done already?"
"Well... no, not really."
"Then you need to get out. Maybe if you clear your mind, you'll be able to come up with an idea you haven't thought of. I mean, holing yourself up and brooding isn't gonna do you much good."
Joey thought about it for a minute. "Yeah... I suppose you're right." He paused. "So, should I meet you somewhere, or what?"
"I'll just pick you up. I have a pretty good idea of where to go and everything. And it saves me having to give you directions."
"Works for me, man"
"Well, I would hope so!" Chris laughed. "How about at eight or so."
"Sounds good, man. See ya then."
Joey hung up the phone then and rolled over. He probably needed to get dressed or something. He blinked as a thought struck him. He rolled back over and picked up the phone again, dialing.
"Hello?"
Joey took a breath. "Mom? "
"Joey! Hi, sweetie! How are you doing?"
"I'm... all right, mom."
"How's Chris?"
Joey closed his eyes. "He's fine. We're gonna be going out or something shortly."
"Well, you two have fun," Phyllis said with a laugh.
"Sure thing, mom." He paused. "Um... Can I ask you something? It might sound kinda weird, but... just humor me?"
"Okay, sweetie."
"Have you ever heard of anyone named Mary Sue?"
She paused. "Well, I suppose I have, sometime..."
"Mom, I mean--"
"In relation to you?"
"Yeah! I mean.. have I ever introduced you to anyone named Mary Sue?"
"I don't know... One of your high school girlfriends? Is this a quiz?"
"No, mom. And this would definitely be more recent than high school."
His mother's voice took on a slightly teasing tone. "Not every groupie who says she slept with you in Europe is telling the truth, hon..." Joey managed a meager chuckle. "Although most of them probably are."
That drove him to full out laughter. "Mom! "
"Oh, Joey, I'm not naive. It was to be expected. I'm just glad you were smart enough to take care of yourself. No overly premature grandchildren or anything."
Joey rolled his eyes. "Thank you, mom."
He could almost sense his mother's smile. "No problem. But really, what was this about?"
Shaking his head slowly, Joey replied, "Nothing. Really. It was just... something in the back of my mind that I guess I couldn't remember that well."
"Ah. Well.. sorry I couldn't help?"
"It's okay. Listen, ma, I've got to go get a shower or something, so I'll talk to you later?"
"All right, sweetie. You two have fun tonight, okay?"
"Sure thing, mom."
"All right. And tell Kelly we said hi when she drops Briahna off this weekend, okay?"
Joey smiled. "All right."
"You two would have worked well together, y'know. Well, under different circumstances."
Joey closed his eyes. "Yeah, mom. I know."
"But, you know what else?"
"What?"
"I think you and Chris are better."
Joey blinked, stunned. He had no idea how to reply to that one. "Uh.."
Phyllis laughed. "I'll let you get going."
He somehow managed to speak. "Oh.. Um.. All right."
"Bye, Joey."
"Bye, mom." He hung up the phone, and went to take a shower and get ready. Maybe Chris was right. Forgetting about everything would be pretty welcome.
~
It was appreciated. Over the next few days, Chris seemed to be making it his personal goal to make sure Joey didn't get overly stressed out, regardless of how futile the ongoing search for Mary Sue was. Whether it was going out with him, or chilling at home watching movies, Chris was more or less Joey's constant 'My goal is to keep you from freaking out' companion. And the more and more hopeless the search got, the more and more appreciated his company was. He didn't think he'd ever gotten that kind of support from anyone about something that most likely was making him look like a lunatic. Although, knowing Chris.. that might have actually encouraged the support.
Thursday night, Chris was over yet again, this time for a two person Halo grudgematch. After a good three hours of play, Chris had officially called it a draw, and immediately began to fiddle with a Rubik's Cube that Joey had sitting on the floor. Of course, this lasted for all of about a minute and a half before his fiddling degenerated into pulling off the stickers and rearranging them. Joey leaned back in his spot in the couch with a rather amused grin. "You are such a cheat, man."
Chris laughed and slung an arm loosely around Joey's shoulders. "I know, dude, but I do it with such style."
Joey closed his eyes quickly. For some reason, and with no apparent provocation, that simple gesture, which had been done an easy thousand times in the past, had given him goosebumps like he couldn't believe. Weird.
Of course, the rather odd reaction, if not the goosebumps, were noticed by the ever-observant Chris. He gave Joey a curious look. "You okay, man?"
Joey forced his eyes open and plastered on a smile. "Oh, sure. I've just decided two things."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. First of all.. I need to get some sleep. Kel's gonna be coming over tomorrow afternoon to drop off Doozer for the weekend, so I need to be on my toes."
Chris laughed. "Understood. And the second?"
"I think I've decided to stop looking for Mary Sue."
Chris looked rather taken aback at that one. "Already? It hasn't even been a week, man?"
"Yeah, I know." He sighed. "But I'm nowhere closer than when I started. And if she was gonna show up... As perfect as she was.. is.. whatever... I think she would have, by now."
"Oh." Chris leaned over and gave Joey a warm hug. "I'm sorry, man."
Joey squeezed Chris back. "I know. I'll be okay, though, I think."
"Okay. Do you need me to do anything?"
"Yeah," Joey replied with a smile. "I need you to get your ass gone so I can get some sleep."
Chris laughed. "All right, man. Mind if I drop by tomorrow night? I haven't seen Bri in a while, and I'm sure she misses her Uncle Psychopath."
Joey rolled his eyes. "Sure, man."
"Cool!" Chris beamed. "See you tomorrow. Sleep well!"
"I will. Night, Chris."
"Night."
~
Joey had a feeling that he'd regret the offer somehow. He wasn't disappointed, either. Because the next evening found Chris, Joey, and Briahna in Joey's backyard. And Chris was attempting to teach Briahna how to burp on cue.
He was kneeling down next to her. "See, sweetie? All you have to do is swallow air... like so... and then.." He let out a raucous belch that lasted about ten seconds. Briahna giggled hysterically, and although Joey probably would have, too, under different circumstances, it was still his daughter.
"Chris... Please. Stop."
"Oh, c'mon, Joey! These are important life lessons!"
Briahna giggled. "'gin! 'gin!"
Chris grinned. "See? She's telling me to!" He executed another burp, even longer than the last one. And again, Briahna was sent into hysterics.
Joey closed his eyes. "God." At least she hadn't picked up the trick, despite Chris's best intentions. "You know... You are such a bad influence."
Laughing, Chris replied, "Yeah, but that's why she likes me. I hang out with her and teach her all that sh--tuff," a quick self-censor, although Briahna had already wandered off to the sandbox, "that daddy won't!"
Joey's eyes opened at a thought that went through his head after hearing that statement and he sat rather heavily in the grass.
Chris frowned. "What is it?"
"It is."
"Huh?"
He shook his head. "Mary Sue... She didn't really come over much when Bri was around." He frowned. "I mean, she did sometimes... and when she did.. She acted just like you'd expect someone who had, like... I dunno.. wide-ranging knowledge in childcare to act, or something. I mean... It was perfect... of course.. but..." He looked up at Chris. "I think Bri likes you better."
Chris was looking rather stunned. He opened his mouth to reply, but Joey cut him off.
"And I think I do, too."
Sitting down next to him, and keeping an eye on Bri, Chris replied, "Well, you have known me longer.."
Joey shook his head. "I mean... in the same way. This is insane, but.. I think I've been falling for you."
A smile was creeping onto Chris's face. "Really? But I'm not perfect... And, y'know.. there's that whole.. guy thing. Don't you have issues with that?"
Joey shook his head slowly. "I don't... I don't think I do. I mean.. I thought I did, but.. You've been making me happy. I couldn't ask for much more than that.. And as for perfect... Perfect is boring. And that's one thing I don't think you'll ever be."
Chris grinned slowly. "Y'know, man... I actually probably would have given you another month before I started sending roses and seranading you at midnight and stuff."
Joey laughed sofly. "Good thing I didn't take that long to figure this out, then. Because.. I woulda gotten so pissed off at you, man."
"Yeah, well, it was a--" Chris's words were abruptly cut off as Joey leaned forward and rested a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer and quite thoroughly kissing him.
Pulling back, Joey grinned. "And besides.. You can help me figure out the finer mysteries of sex with guys."
Chris slowly broke into a grin himself. "Apparently I forgot about the best second first time.."
"Huh?"
"I'll tell you later. Just kiss me again."
He did.
~
Elsewhere.... Very very elsewhere...
Mary Sue Truelove was perturbed. Joey had just woken up on Monday morning totally insane. Not only did he totally not recognize her, but for some reason, he was under the impression that he was gay. And going out with Chris Kirkpatrick, of all people. And despite her- and Chris's- best efforts to convince him otherwise, he was on a mission to win Chris back under any circumstances.
"I'm gonna get him for the second first time." That's what he'd said. She didn't get it. She had no idea what had come over him... And for some reason, she had a sinking feeling he'd succeed at trying to get Chris.
Oh well.. Maybe Elijah Wood's available..
My story for the Anyone Can Whistle Joey Challenge
It's Choey.
It's... odd.
And... The premise amuses me.
But at any rate, here we go!
This is ridiculous,
What am I doing here?
I'm in the wrong story!
Joey woke up on Monday morning with the familiar feel of a warm body in his arms, back fit tightly against his chest, and the familiar sound of soft breath coming from that body. He smiled slowly, and, keeping his eyes closed, squeezed his arms comfortingly around said body and murmured, "Good morning, baby.."
"Mmm. Morning, Joey." It was a familiar voice, if not quite the familiar voice he was expecting.
Within a half a second, Joey's eyes flew open and he rolled backwards so quickly that he was actually rather stunned to find himself on the floor. "Chris? The fuck?"
Chris blinked rather curiously, sitting up in the bed, the white sheets not doing much to cover his rather obviously naked form. "Um.. yeah? I mean, I know I don't usually stay all night, but you insisted. No need to bug out, man.."
Dude, I don't remember drinking this much last night... Fuck, I don't remember drinking at all last night!
"What the hell? I mean, we didn't... we couldn't have.. did.. what.."
"Dude. Joe. Chill! Are you feeling all right?"
Joey shook his head slowly, running his fingers through his hair. "I could not possibly be further from all right." He paused. "And where the fuck are my clothes?"
Chris gestured to the floor where, indeed, both of their clothes were. Scattered all over the room. The look on his face was definitely one of concern. "Joey. Listen. Why don't you--"
"I'm going to go take a shower. Clear my head out, because I have got to be hallucinating or have a hangover or something and hopefully it'll be gone when I get out.. Um.. Get your ass dressed and we'll talk about this when I'm done." He climbed to his feet and made an immediate beeline for the bathroom. Holy fuck, this is surreal.
He was extra sure to turn the shower on cold, because... really. He closed his eyes and allowed the chilly water to cascade over him. Despite his best efforts not to think, his mind was absolutely racing. What the hell happened? I couldn't possibly have actually fucked Chris fucking Kirkpatrick. Or vice-versa. Or something. I don't know. Hell. I'm not even gay. For the love of God, I have a girlfriend. If what looks like it happened actually happened, how the fucking hell am I going to explain it to her? And I didn't drink last night. Did I? What the fuck is going on here?
His thoughts didn't much calm for the duration of his shower. Not that they could. However, try as he might, he couldn't delay the inevitable for much longer. He turned off the water and stepped out onto the cold linoleum, grabbing a towel to dry off as quickly as he could. He pulled on some clothes and headed out the door to his bedroom.
Chris wasn't there. None of his clothes were left or anything.
Thank God. Maybe I was hallucinating. The comfort he felt lasted all of about thirty seconds until he entered his kitchen and saw Chris sitting at
his table devouring a bowl of cereal. I'm fucking cursed, aren't I?
Chris looked up from the bowl of Cap'n Crunch. "Feeling any better?"
Joey closed his eyes. "No. Not really."
"Sit down, man. Share."
Slowly opening his eyes again, Joey almost blindly stumbled to a chair and plopped down. "Chris... What happened last night?" He was almost afraid to force the question out. Actually, it wasn't the question he was afraid of. It was the answer.
Chris looked faintly amused. "Same thing that happens most of the time. Y'know.. The horizontal polka? The bedroom tango? Wiiiiiild monkey sex?"
Joey felt almost physically ill. "Most of the time? What the hell are you talking about? What about Mary Sue?"
Chris blinked. "Who?"
~
Joey looked around and shook his head, sighing. Chris had called a group meeting, 'because I think my boyfriend has finally cracked'.
"I swear to God I have a girlfriend, guys!" Apparently saying so for the twelfth time was no more effective than the first.
Lance looked rather flatly at him, "And her name is M--"
"Mary Sue," Joey finished for him. Again. "Mary Sue Truelove."
"And we don't know her because...?"
"You do know her! You all know her! And you love her to death! I swear to God, the first time I introduced her to you, she practically had you guys eating out of her hand."
One of Lance's eyebrows arched upwards. "Okay, and we don't remember this because..."
"I have no fucking clue. Either it's because you guys are playing one bizarre fucked up practical joke on me, you've all lost your collective minds, or I have. Or this whole thing is a really really bad dream."
JC looked thoughtful. "Okay. Why don't you describe this Mary Sue girl to us?"
Joey smiled. That he could do. Rather easily. "She's... Man, she's perfect. Her hair is a pure raven black, and it flows in gentle waves down to the center of her back. Her smile is a perfect little pink rosebud.. Her eyes are a dark, clear, shade of cerulean blue.."
Chris cut him off. "Joe! Wait a sec. Who the fuck talks like that? Even about their quote-unquote 'perfect girlfriend', who doesn't actually exist, given that the guy in question has known for almost a year now that he's totally fucking gay."
Joey grabbed his head in his hands. "Then why the hell do I not remember any of this? You guys say that Chris and I have had this... thing... for, what, five months now?" He looked up to see the expressions on the guys' faces as confirmation of this statement. "But I don't remember a fucking thing about it. Last thing I knew, I was totally straight. And I had a girlfriend. And there was definitely no screwing of Chris involved."
Chris' face had fallen rather flat, but he made no comment. Justin was the one to speak next. "Okay, man... When did you meet this Mary Sue chick?"
Joey managed another smile. "It was at a concert. She was sitting in the front row, and I swear to God, the second I laid eyes on her.. she just had this glow. And as luck would have it, she happened to have backstage passes, and the second I met her, I mean, I just knew. I mean, the fact that she's only nineteen didn't make any difference..." He didn't even notice the incredulous looks the guys were giving
one another.
~
Before too long, the only progress that had been made was figuring that no practical jokes were involved in the whole fiasco. That, and all of the guys had successfully contracted headaches. They managed to agree on one thing. That a break was in order.
Justin had followed Chris to his house. To be consoling, or something. The whole supportive-best-friend schtick. He didn't exactly know how Chris would react to his boyfriend not even acknowledging that their relationship existed. And from original appearances, he had every right to worry.
The first thing that Chris did once he walked in the door was make a beeline to the living room and slump down on the sofa, head leaned back over the top of it. He closed his eyes and didn't move or speak. It lasted some time, despite Justin's occasional attempts to coax a reaction from him. He was completely unresponsive.
A good fifteen minutes later, just as Justin was considering calling 911 or a mental health center or something, Chris sat up abruptly. "I finally got it!" He was grinning. That was a good sign... right?
Justin looked over at him. "Got what?"
"What's up with Joe. And what I have to do about it."
Arching an eyebrow inquisitively, Justin replied, "And what would that be?"
"Well, first of all, I think Joey's got backlash."
"Backlash?"
"Yeah!" Chris seemed very proud of himself for this theory. "He feels guilty that he's gay. So he's, like.. subconsciously denying it, and stuff."
Justin blinked, rather confused. "But you've been going out for, like--"
"Yeah, I know! That's why it's a backlash! See, he wasn't feeling guilty before. Or he was, but it was, like, under the surface, and, y'know, even though his family's been great about it, who knows what Catholic guilt can do to a guy. Especially one who's been promoted as the straightest one of all of us since... Well, you know. A long fucking time."
The more Justin thought about that, the more it made a twisted sort of sense. "Okay... And the whole Mary Sue thing?"
Chris beamed. "He invented her. Subconsciously. You know.. That perfect girlfriend that nobody can ever have. Just to validate the fact that he's quote-unquote 'straight'. He really believes it, I think."
"Well... It makes sense."
"Yeah. And it's more plausible than my other idea."
"What's that?"
"That he was mystically transported from another dimension in which he is going out with that Mary Sue chick."
Justin laughed and nodded slowly. "All right... And what are you gonna do about it? Get him help, or what?"
"Nope." Chris shook his head. "I don't think he's that far gone that we have to get him committed, or anything. I just have to win him again."
Justin blinked. "Win him again?"
"Yeah! Woo him! Flowers and hearts and candy and shit." He paused. "Okay, maybe not flowers and hearts and candy, but.. y'know. Win him back. Be there. Show him that.. y'know, maybe I'm not perfect, but... first of all, I'm here for him, and second of all, he can have me. And then maybe he'll figure out that the whole gay thing isn't that bad after all."
"So you'll be like... getting him back again."
"Nope. I'll be getting him for the first time. As far as he's concerned. The second first time, I guess. Yeah."
Justin laughed. "Getting Joey Fatone for the second first time. I like it."
Chris smiled. "So do I, J. So do I."
~
Before he went to bed that night, Joey decided to try to find Mary Sue. He really did miss her, and it was driving him crazy that he couldn't talk to her. It had been practically forever since they'd gone a day without speaking. In fact, the last time had been that time when she was unconscious in the hospital because she'd pushed Joey out of the way of an oncoming truck. Joey'd felt incredibly guilty, and had blamed the entire incident on his idiocy in crossing the street at the obvious wrong time.
He hardly left her bedside during that harrowing week, but when she finally came to, she wasted no time in assuring him that it wasn't his fault. It was a truly touching scene that left no dry eyes among those that were watching.
Unfortunately, finding her was definitely easier said than done. Her home number was apparently being routed to a deli. When he called the store where she worked, they claimed that nobody by that name worked there. And when he looked in the phone book as a last ditch effort, the only Truelove listed in Orlando was someone by the name of Eddie. He even called that number. And no Mary Sue. She really had just vanished into thin air. When he finally tried e-mailing her, and the message
was sent back with an invalid address, that was it. He sighed morosely and went to bed, without even bothering to get undressed first. And it was a good three hours before he could actually fall asleep.
He didn't think he'd slept all that long, but it was actually well past noon when he woke up to the noise of the phone beside his bed ringing. Sighing and squinting, he rolled over and picked it up. "H'lo?"
"Joe?" It was Chris. "We need to talk."
Joey sighed. No. I think that's about the last thing I need. "Fine. What?"
"I want to apologize."
Blink. Blink. Huh? "Wha?"
"Listen, man.. I mean, y'know, regardless of this whole... thing.. I shouldn't be forcing you into a relationship that you obviously don't want. There's other fish in the sea, and crap.. And I don't want to ruin our friendship, cuz.. y'know, that's great."
Joey blinked. "Really?"
"Yeah. Man, I don't want you doing anything you're not gonna be totally comfortable with. So I'm cool with stepping back. It's all right."
Joey blinked. "So, then you're... breaking up with me?"
Chris laughed softly. "Well, yeah, if you want to call it that. But, you know, as far as you're concerned, it's not like there was anything to break up." He paused. "It's cool, man. Really."
"Uh, well.. Thanks, Chris. That's.. great." It was, too. Really. He didn't feel even the tiniest tinge of... what the hell was that? Disappointment? Nope. Not the least bit disappointed. That must have just been a gut reaction to the concept of being broken up with. He'd never really liked that. That had to have been it. Well, that and.. If we were as committed as he said we were.. why the hell isn't he at least trying to fight for me? He shook his head. Joe.. now you're just being stupid.
Chris chose that moment to speak up again. "So, you're okay?"
"Yeah," Joey commented. "I mean.. other than not having a clue what happened to my girlfriend.. yeah. I mean.. With you, sure."
"Cool," Chris's voice filtered in through the phone. "So... still no luck in finding Mary Sue?"
Joey shook his head, sighing. "Nothing. It's like she disappeared from the face of the planet and decided not to let me know."
"That kinda sucks."
"Yeah, it really does." He sighed again. "I miss her, Chris."
"I'm sure you do, man. You love like you mean it, y'know?"
Joey managed a faint chuckle. "Something like that, I'm sure."
"No. I'm serious. I dunno where the hell that 'player' category came from... Well.. I mean, yeah, I know you encouraged it, and whatever, but.. Dude, when you fall in love, you fall in love hard. You don't go halfway. At all. Never have."
"Well, yeah, I suppose," Joey said, thinking about it, "But.. I think that might partially be why I let the player image come about."
"What?"
"When you fall in love hard, it's easy to get hurt." He briefly bit his lower lip, wondering again where Mary Sue was. "So.. Sometimes it's easier not to fall in love, and just.. well, y'know."
"Yeah," Chris commented. "I'd imagine.."
Joey managed a slight chuckle. "Maybe I just need to relax."
"Wanna go out and have a drink or something?" Chris asked. "Just you and me. Be guys. Drink and swear and belch and fart. Y'know how it goes."
He managed to laugh despite himself. "I dunno, man... I still have to find her, y'know?"
Chris's tone was matter-of-fact. "Can you think of any way to look that you haven't done already?"
"Well... no, not really."
"Then you need to get out. Maybe if you clear your mind, you'll be able to come up with an idea you haven't thought of. I mean, holing yourself up and brooding isn't gonna do you much good."
Joey thought about it for a minute. "Yeah... I suppose you're right." He paused. "So, should I meet you somewhere, or what?"
"I'll just pick you up. I have a pretty good idea of where to go and everything. And it saves me having to give you directions."
"Works for me, man"
"Well, I would hope so!" Chris laughed. "How about at eight or so."
"Sounds good, man. See ya then."
Joey hung up the phone then and rolled over. He probably needed to get dressed or something. He blinked as a thought struck him. He rolled back over and picked up the phone again, dialing.
"Hello?"
Joey took a breath. "Mom? "
"Joey! Hi, sweetie! How are you doing?"
"I'm... all right, mom."
"How's Chris?"
Joey closed his eyes. "He's fine. We're gonna be going out or something shortly."
"Well, you two have fun," Phyllis said with a laugh.
"Sure thing, mom." He paused. "Um... Can I ask you something? It might sound kinda weird, but... just humor me?"
"Okay, sweetie."
"Have you ever heard of anyone named Mary Sue?"
She paused. "Well, I suppose I have, sometime..."
"Mom, I mean--"
"In relation to you?"
"Yeah! I mean.. have I ever introduced you to anyone named Mary Sue?"
"I don't know... One of your high school girlfriends? Is this a quiz?"
"No, mom. And this would definitely be more recent than high school."
His mother's voice took on a slightly teasing tone. "Not every groupie who says she slept with you in Europe is telling the truth, hon..." Joey managed a meager chuckle. "Although most of them probably are."
That drove him to full out laughter. "Mom! "
"Oh, Joey, I'm not naive. It was to be expected. I'm just glad you were smart enough to take care of yourself. No overly premature grandchildren or anything."
Joey rolled his eyes. "Thank you, mom."
He could almost sense his mother's smile. "No problem. But really, what was this about?"
Shaking his head slowly, Joey replied, "Nothing. Really. It was just... something in the back of my mind that I guess I couldn't remember that well."
"Ah. Well.. sorry I couldn't help?"
"It's okay. Listen, ma, I've got to go get a shower or something, so I'll talk to you later?"
"All right, sweetie. You two have fun tonight, okay?"
"Sure thing, mom."
"All right. And tell Kelly we said hi when she drops Briahna off this weekend, okay?"
Joey smiled. "All right."
"You two would have worked well together, y'know. Well, under different circumstances."
Joey closed his eyes. "Yeah, mom. I know."
"But, you know what else?"
"What?"
"I think you and Chris are better."
Joey blinked, stunned. He had no idea how to reply to that one. "Uh.."
Phyllis laughed. "I'll let you get going."
He somehow managed to speak. "Oh.. Um.. All right."
"Bye, Joey."
"Bye, mom." He hung up the phone, and went to take a shower and get ready. Maybe Chris was right. Forgetting about everything would be pretty welcome.
~
It was appreciated. Over the next few days, Chris seemed to be making it his personal goal to make sure Joey didn't get overly stressed out, regardless of how futile the ongoing search for Mary Sue was. Whether it was going out with him, or chilling at home watching movies, Chris was more or less Joey's constant 'My goal is to keep you from freaking out' companion. And the more and more hopeless the search got, the more and more appreciated his company was. He didn't think he'd ever gotten that kind of support from anyone about something that most likely was making him look like a lunatic. Although, knowing Chris.. that might have actually encouraged the support.
Thursday night, Chris was over yet again, this time for a two person Halo grudgematch. After a good three hours of play, Chris had officially called it a draw, and immediately began to fiddle with a Rubik's Cube that Joey had sitting on the floor. Of course, this lasted for all of about a minute and a half before his fiddling degenerated into pulling off the stickers and rearranging them. Joey leaned back in his spot in the couch with a rather amused grin. "You are such a cheat, man."
Chris laughed and slung an arm loosely around Joey's shoulders. "I know, dude, but I do it with such style."
Joey closed his eyes quickly. For some reason, and with no apparent provocation, that simple gesture, which had been done an easy thousand times in the past, had given him goosebumps like he couldn't believe. Weird.
Of course, the rather odd reaction, if not the goosebumps, were noticed by the ever-observant Chris. He gave Joey a curious look. "You okay, man?"
Joey forced his eyes open and plastered on a smile. "Oh, sure. I've just decided two things."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. First of all.. I need to get some sleep. Kel's gonna be coming over tomorrow afternoon to drop off Doozer for the weekend, so I need to be on my toes."
Chris laughed. "Understood. And the second?"
"I think I've decided to stop looking for Mary Sue."
Chris looked rather taken aback at that one. "Already? It hasn't even been a week, man?"
"Yeah, I know." He sighed. "But I'm nowhere closer than when I started. And if she was gonna show up... As perfect as she was.. is.. whatever... I think she would have, by now."
"Oh." Chris leaned over and gave Joey a warm hug. "I'm sorry, man."
Joey squeezed Chris back. "I know. I'll be okay, though, I think."
"Okay. Do you need me to do anything?"
"Yeah," Joey replied with a smile. "I need you to get your ass gone so I can get some sleep."
Chris laughed. "All right, man. Mind if I drop by tomorrow night? I haven't seen Bri in a while, and I'm sure she misses her Uncle Psychopath."
Joey rolled his eyes. "Sure, man."
"Cool!" Chris beamed. "See you tomorrow. Sleep well!"
"I will. Night, Chris."
"Night."
~
Joey had a feeling that he'd regret the offer somehow. He wasn't disappointed, either. Because the next evening found Chris, Joey, and Briahna in Joey's backyard. And Chris was attempting to teach Briahna how to burp on cue.
He was kneeling down next to her. "See, sweetie? All you have to do is swallow air... like so... and then.." He let out a raucous belch that lasted about ten seconds. Briahna giggled hysterically, and although Joey probably would have, too, under different circumstances, it was still his daughter.
"Chris... Please. Stop."
"Oh, c'mon, Joey! These are important life lessons!"
Briahna giggled. "'gin! 'gin!"
Chris grinned. "See? She's telling me to!" He executed another burp, even longer than the last one. And again, Briahna was sent into hysterics.
Joey closed his eyes. "God." At least she hadn't picked up the trick, despite Chris's best intentions. "You know... You are such a bad influence."
Laughing, Chris replied, "Yeah, but that's why she likes me. I hang out with her and teach her all that sh--tuff," a quick self-censor, although Briahna had already wandered off to the sandbox, "that daddy won't!"
Joey's eyes opened at a thought that went through his head after hearing that statement and he sat rather heavily in the grass.
Chris frowned. "What is it?"
"It is."
"Huh?"
He shook his head. "Mary Sue... She didn't really come over much when Bri was around." He frowned. "I mean, she did sometimes... and when she did.. She acted just like you'd expect someone who had, like... I dunno.. wide-ranging knowledge in childcare to act, or something. I mean... It was perfect... of course.. but..." He looked up at Chris. "I think Bri likes you better."
Chris was looking rather stunned. He opened his mouth to reply, but Joey cut him off.
"And I think I do, too."
Sitting down next to him, and keeping an eye on Bri, Chris replied, "Well, you have known me longer.."
Joey shook his head. "I mean... in the same way. This is insane, but.. I think I've been falling for you."
A smile was creeping onto Chris's face. "Really? But I'm not perfect... And, y'know.. there's that whole.. guy thing. Don't you have issues with that?"
Joey shook his head slowly. "I don't... I don't think I do. I mean.. I thought I did, but.. You've been making me happy. I couldn't ask for much more than that.. And as for perfect... Perfect is boring. And that's one thing I don't think you'll ever be."
Chris grinned slowly. "Y'know, man... I actually probably would have given you another month before I started sending roses and seranading you at midnight and stuff."
Joey laughed sofly. "Good thing I didn't take that long to figure this out, then. Because.. I woulda gotten so pissed off at you, man."
"Yeah, well, it was a--" Chris's words were abruptly cut off as Joey leaned forward and rested a hand on the back of his neck, pulling him closer and quite thoroughly kissing him.
Pulling back, Joey grinned. "And besides.. You can help me figure out the finer mysteries of sex with guys."
Chris slowly broke into a grin himself. "Apparently I forgot about the best second first time.."
"Huh?"
"I'll tell you later. Just kiss me again."
He did.
~
Elsewhere.... Very very elsewhere...
Mary Sue Truelove was perturbed. Joey had just woken up on Monday morning totally insane. Not only did he totally not recognize her, but for some reason, he was under the impression that he was gay. And going out with Chris Kirkpatrick, of all people. And despite her- and Chris's- best efforts to convince him otherwise, he was on a mission to win Chris back under any circumstances.
"I'm gonna get him for the second first time." That's what he'd said. She didn't get it. She had no idea what had come over him... And for some reason, she had a sinking feeling he'd succeed at trying to get Chris.
Oh well.. Maybe Elijah Wood's available..
*luff*
Re: *luff*
Tsk.
No such thing as JUST puppyfic.